The club I never wanted to join…
It’s been almost 25 years since my father died from leukemia, when I was just nine years old. Throughout these 25 years I have been approached at times to give advice to other children who are dealing with the death of a parent or guardian. I decided to put some of my thoughts out there. Maybe another child or an adult that is supporting a child will find them helpful.
Note: if you have been impacted by the death of a parent as a child, please don’t feel obligated to read this blog or share it. I have thought about writing it for over a year and had a hard time getting through it, be mindful of your own emotions and remember that everyone’s experience is different.
This is scary, like really scary. Kids aren’t suppose to go through this. Our parents are suppose to take care of us, protect us, teach us, and should only leave this earth after we are adults and “ready,” at least that’s what I always thought. You need to know that it is okay to be scared. What I want you to do is find out how it helps you to feel less scared. I was really lucky to have other adults in my life that made it very clear they would be there for me. You need to look for those people. It may not be obvious who they are and it could change over time who exactly they are, but they are there, I promise. Mr. Rodger’s said “Look for the helpers,” and you have helpers, find them! If you have questions, don’t be scared to ask them. I was really worried about what would happen to me if my mom died too, so we spent a lot of time talking about that plan and once I knew the plan, I felt better and I hope you do to after talking to someone.
Be a kid. You are going through an adult thing and that isn’t fair. But it doesn’t mean you need to grow up too fast. After my dad died, I appreciated time with my mom, my aunts, and my uncle, and my grandparents. I adored my coaches and teachers and often found myself spending more time with them than kids my own age. Find the balance. Have those awesome relationships with awesome adults, but then run off and be a kid. Go to a summer camp, learn an instrument, play a sport, watch Netflix all day long, video chat with your friends…I obviously don’t know what kids do these days, but whatever it is, do it!
Its okay to be alone. You have been through trauma and sometimes, being away from all of the stimulus of daily life is what you are going to need to just keep going. Other people might have a hard time understanding this and it might worry them. Reassure them that you are okay, but just need some space. I don’t know why exactly, but in talking with others that have gone through this, we all agree that even decades after the death of our parent(s), having time alone is one of our best therapies. To be honest with you, getting through a full day at school was hard for me…it was too much time with people. Thankfully, a teacher at my school picked up on this for me, and recommended I spend 30 minutes of the day in the library by myself and it was one of the most helpful things anyone did for me.
Find the connection. I have three things that always, no matter what, remind me of my dad: the color blue, deer, and the first star that comes out at night. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, or where I am, any of these three things immediately pulls me into a connection with him. Now that I have kids of my own, they know about the star and they will find it before me and yell “there is Grandma Ralph!” These tiny little humans that never met him, now have a connection to him, and it makes me smile. You need to find your connection and grow it however you can. Make it your email password, hang it on your wall, name your dog after it, whatever it takes.
This is going to hurt. I wish with all my heart that I could tell you this won’t hurt. I want to tell you that the pain in your stomach, the tears that are always right on the verge of coming out, or the anger that boils up, will someday go away. But it won’t. There is always going to be something missing, because something really important got taken away from you. Here is what happened to me though and I hope it will happen to you as well. I got pretty good at knowing when my emotions were going to be hard and then I got even better at telling people about it. I got to a point when I could say “I miss dad today” and I built a support system of friends and family that know what that means and how they can help, even 25 years later! Work on knowing your emotions and how you can manage them.
People will say the wrong things. Adults and other kids in your life might try to say things in hopes of making you feel better (kind of like me writing this!) and it might not be what you want to hear. Instead of being mad and resentful, try to be gracious that they reached out but then move on. Don’t waste your time and energy on it. Focus on the good things happening around you.
This is a club. I can count on one hand the other kids I knew that had a parent die. I didn’t even know them well, but I will always remember their names and their faces. This is a club that none of wanted to join, but we are here. You are not alone. Regardless of if you want to connect with others going the same thing or not, just know that you are not the only one experiencing this.
I’m really sorry and I know this sucks. But I also know that whoever it is that you are missing does not want you to miss out on this awesome life because that is exactly what you are going to have: an awesome life! Its going to be hard and its going to be different than what you once thought, but you are still going to do great things and you will be happy. Find the helpers and get to know yourself really well!
All my best friends…